At a loss

The day my grandmother died, we were completely unprepared for it to happen. She'd gone into the hospital for heart palpitations, they gave her a blood thinner and sent her to Sacramento for tests. At 4am my mom called me and we all drove an hour to get there, hoping she would be okay, or at least still alive. She wasn't. I remember when my Dad told us, I literally hit the wall. I also remember that when we went back to see her she looked green, but that may have been the lights.

I didn't deal well with her loss and I pretty much had to cope alone. My mom was devastated and Dad had to take care of her. My sister is never much good during situations so I was alone. I fell into a depression, or maybe it made one worse.

It has been nearly ten years since that day and I eventually learned to deal with her loss. But I still don't do well in emergencies anymore. I find myself unable to offer any real support when it is needed.

Now to today. My dad is a diabetic who is also on dialysis. He thought he was feeling bad because of the cold that went around the family. In January he went into the hospital with a very bad absess. He had surgery and was okay, at least enough that the hospital, in its infinite wisdom decided after a month to send in to a nursing care home to recover. Three days later he was back at the hospital, the infection was getting worse. My Daddy could die. That's a crippling thought.

He had a second surgery, that has seemed to help, and he went back to the care home.

Now he's back in the hospital. Not because of the infection this time. You see, several years back his foot got run over by a forklift when the driver moved too soon. That's about when they found the diabetes. His foot has never been quite right. Now the toes are black and it has to be removed. We hope it is only the foot, not more. Losing his leg has always been his greatest fear since the accident.

What has this to do with my Grandma? I can't deal. I find myself unable to go see him, I don't have anything to offer him. Not even just my presence. My depression has been coming back for some time and my complete dissatisfaction with my life makes me not the greatest of company even at good times. I have no endless chatter to fill the silence, no cheerleader chants to bring up his spirits. Usually, I might make something for him, but I don't even know what to make for him. He already has a blanket I made a few years back, but its not at the hospital so that it either does not get ruined or stolen. I just don't know what to do.

I feel so useless and so bad about it all. But I can't handle it. I sort of just shut down emotionally whenever mom wants to talk about it, and she thinks its me being strong, but its not.

What makes it even harder is that I take care of his mother. I go to my Grandma's apartment and fix her dinner almost every night, and make sure she takes her pills. I am the one who has to keep her updated on his condition, but since its so hard for me to go visit him, I hardly take her there, though I know I should. It's difficult to gauge what she can handle hearing. She has these mini strokes every once in a while and I am afraid of causing one whenever something new happens with him. I told her last night about his leg and she was the most upset she had been the past three months. I just hope this doesn't cause an episode.

I feel like I am drowning, meanwhile everyone keeps expecting me to take over as the family rock while Dad is sick. I don't have it in me to take care of anyone else, I don't even feel like I can take care of myself.

Blessings,
Agate